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The Journey BeyondA space for the lonely to share, the depressed to express, the distant voices to be heard... |
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01/06/2009 I Miss YouI Miss You You're breaking my heart, tearing them into a million pieces, the feeling of being so far apart, longing so much for your kisses. images echoing though my mind, of those time we spent together, moments I wish I could just rewind, happiness I would pause forever, how could life be so unfair? I am all alone crying in despair, how I long to be there with you, just the two of us, just me, and you. oh won't you come back to me? soothe this pain, i beg thee, missing you more and more each day, hoping you'll be here to stay. 18/01/2008 The Cries of the ManyWill it ever be heard? 06/03/2007 No TitleHate
never before
he felt so much hate
pathetic
feeling so useless
always the loser
anger
clenching his fist
yet he can't do nothing
questions
so many to ask
no one to answer them
lost
stuck in a junction
with no right path to go
futile
any path taken
never the right choice
fault
he could only blame
the one who started it all
fool
the one who always turn back
to where it all began
hope
wishing on a moon
a wishful thinking
crossroads
a path to be regretted
yet, the path he wishes to take 06/02/2007 Jikustik - SetiaBack to basic. I've recently been back to tuning into Indonesian music, and it just so happen that this piece is one that I listen to everyday. It has this gentle sense of mellowness. The flute blends together with the piano playing on the background. Well, guess that's all what I've got to say about this piece. To listen is to experience, so without further ado, I present, "Setia".
deras hujan yang turun mengingatkanku pada dirimu aku masih disini untuk setia selang waktu berganti aku tak tahu engkau dimana tapi aku mencoba untuk setia sesaat malam datang menjemput kesendirianku dan bila pagi datang kutahu kau tak disampingku aku masih disini untuk setia 02/02/2007 Hehehe...he he he he he, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! 16/01/2007 Changes...Changes are to be embraced,
It is what gear us forward,
though many can't adapt to changes.
The many things that don't change,
they'll shine a light on things that do.
like when someone new comes into one's life,
or when an old one leaves for good,
The biggest changes would be impulsive,
Yes, changes are scary, but they are inevitable,
it's not as bad as how many people would perceive them,
it's up to one own self to make best of it,
Opportunities isn't gonna just fall down on one's lap,
Not unless you try to embrace it,
to adapt to it, and to move forward thru it
Then again... I hate changes...
15/01/2007 For a FriendA flashback to the past,
time comes and goes so fast,
a friend that I really treasure,
succumbed to the earthly pleasure.
Long gone is she,
like a bird, wondering freely,
singing out, without no worry,
living her life, even in tragedy.
Please God, I beg of thee,
return the old her to me,
the muse who wrote so beautifully,
whose writings can soothe my agony.
The source of my inspiration,
swept away by the wind,
my mind, a blank, with no imagination,
this poem will never have an end.
01/01/2007 Happy New Year... Or Is It?New Year... Is this the time to pass on the judgement? Is this the time for a revelation?
A new year signify new resolution, many have found theirs. Have you found yours? I don't even know what is mine.
Changes, I've seen many changes. I have changed, you have changed, everyone changes.
I've had too much buried at the back of my garden. Is it time to unearth everything? To dig out what I had wanted to hide?
If to lie is to sin, then is white lie a sin? What about concealment, would it be considered to deceive?
They say God works in wonders. Humans are full of surprises too, aren't they equal as God?
To find long term happiness is to find gold. To find gold does not provide everlasting joy.
If my presence in this world does not make any difference, wouldn't this world be better without me?
A New Year, and it's definitely not the same old me... no more... 27/10/2006 A Mere PuppetTime: 12:30 am. While everyone else's trying to get some shuteye, here i am, dragging my feet home. Took the train home. While transferring to my bus, i realized that my travelcard ran out of cash. I went back to top up the card, just to realize that i didn't have cash with me. Attempted to use my card, realized that i was out of credit. Walking back home, i realized that my headache's getting worse. Physical headache, mental headache, financial headache, how worse could it get? well, it seemed that i'd have to submit 2 lab report in 9 hours time, and i'm nowhere near there. Will be having another lab session in 9 hours time too, and it's gonna be a practical test, which i'm so totally going to screw up, since i've yet to prepare on it. To top it all, i'm home and my brain's already half dead, my leg's numb. Thank you GOD! 06/10/2006 Eric Clapton - (I) Get LostClapton is God. What else can I say? If I am listening to his song this bloody early, it either goes to show that I'm insomniac, or his music is meaningful. I'd pretend that it's the latter reason, although both are valid at this point.
Bleah, thing is, the song that is currently playing is not the version that I had in mind. I knew I had this song in acoustic guitar, and if it was the one playing, I knew it would definitely sets my mood. Made popular by the unpopular show "The Story of Us", starring Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfifer, this song acts as a catalyst in understanding the story. Not going to give spoiler, and I don't think the 1999 show was that popular (although I'd give it 4 out of 4 Lion Paws), and so, to those who've watched it, I'm sure you'd understand the meaning of this song, otherwise, you can try the lyric here. So, without further ado, here it is...
I'm sorry.
Why should I say I'm sorry? If I hurt you, You know you've hurt me too. But you get lost inside your tears, And there is nothing I can do, 'Cause I get lost inside my fear That I am nothing without you. You're angry. Why shouldn't you be angry? With what we've been through, Well I get angry too. Chorus 'Cause I am nothing without you. Why should we have taken so long To be looking inside of our mind? Everything we tried went wrong. Are we worried 'bout what we might find? I'm sorry, But can I say I'm sorry? If I hurt you, You know it hurts me too. Chorus And you get lost inside your tears, And there is nothing we can do, 'Cause I get lost inside my fear That I am nothing without you. 'Cause I am nothing without you. And I am nothing without you. 'Cause I am nothing without you. 'Cause I am nothing without you.
P.S: If I do get the accoustic version, i'll definitely upload it.... This version doesn't suit the mood s: 01/10/2006 Life & The Truth Behind It...Cherish your loved one. Many only learnt how to love after they have lost them.
There is nothing worse than to chase the shadow of your loved one. Once dusk arrives, you'll realize it is all gone.
For some, to hurt others are a luxury. For others, their lives revolve around diasppointments.
The hurt of a one-sided love is more comforting than a feign two-sided ones.
No matter how smart a racoon leaps between trees, it still have to touch the ground someday.
What is the worth of loving a vessel without a soul? 28/09/2006 For The Unsung Heroes...For the past few days, the house had been my source of solace. Questions, most of them with no solutions, have bombarded this puny mind. Many conclusions were assumed, some came to light on their own. Here's one for tonight.
"The greatest sacrifice is to die for someone else"To die is to be relieved of the earthly burden, it is a privilege. No, i'm not calling them cowards, i am only implying that there are sacrifices far greater than this act.
In this crossroad called life, many had been made to trade their memories to proceed with their lives. Definitely not an easy task, considering that these memories are those that they hold dear. To forsake this for a future so uncertain, this, i believe is a sacrifice far greater than death. Nothing is more painful than to live with a shattered dream. I shall treasure them in my heart. 17/09/2006 A Feeling of...Lethargy...
Tired is too simple a word
thoughts running round and again
heavily panting, gasping for air
Uncertainty...
Unable to differentiate
what is fact and what is fiction
waking up to yet another dream
Slavery...
to be bound by a chain
what use is a wing
if a bird is unable to fly?
Fear...
afraid to fall asleep
hounded by nightmares
will a new day ends it?
Cursed...
unanswered prayers
the mind murky as a mud
unable to penetrate the negativity
Ache...
the mind and the soul
licked by the burning fire of hell
will it purify my soul?
Bitterness...
feeling so useless
no one should live this way
to life live in shame
Surreal...
Only time will tell
If this soul may someday
rest without no worry
to ^eVi|rY^: ninetai| is not something to be overcome, but to be embraced. The worst thing in my life is to overcome my own self. If I do have nine lives, perhaps I'll learn not to hate others, but to turn a deaf ear on them.
15/09/2006 Uneasy, Not EasyIt's really funny, the feeling of being uneasy. Recently, i've been rather perturbed over some matters. You name it, i worry about it. Can't really comprehend why fear is standing so close to me. Is something of catastrophic about to happen? I am no psychic, i can't tell. Be it good or bad, i hope i have the strength to overcome the obstacles ahead. 05/09/2006 Direct Translation...So yeah, I'm now back to school. Been rather uneasy, perhaps the stress of having to sling a bag at my shoulder s:
Think I'd consider today a somewhat fulfilling day. Though my eyes were left with less than an electron Volt (read: super sleepy), I still managed to pay attention to my classes. Perhaps, my Chinese lesson was somewhat entertaining today. "What? Albert taking Chinese?" Maybe many of you have this uneasy idea of this banana attempting to converse in Chinese. To that I'd only reply... "NO COMMENT"
So, the climax of today was when we were learning the two words, qian (front) and hou (back). So, my lao shi (teacher) was asking us to read together this sentence, lao shi zai qian mian, xue sheng zai hou mian (teacher is in front, student is behind). I was astonished by that sentence, as the class was just discussing on Chinese cowboys (basically farmers who herd cows), and it reminded me of American Cowboy (Brokeback Mountain), so... YEAH...
And if that wasn't enough, she added two more words to our vocabulary, shang (shang) and xia (down). After painfully pointing up to say that heaven is shang mian (upstairs), and hell is xia mian (downstairs), she paused, before asking us, ni men xi huan zai shang mian hai shi xia mian? which when loosely translated means You all prefer upstairs or downstairs? LOL. I almost burst into laughter.
Before we left, my lao shi actually spoke of the word tou (head), and proceeded with a sentence ni you ta tou (you have big head) while pointing at me -_-" ARGH!!!
How much more fun can a language course be? ;) If only it can last longer...
P.S: In no way I am poking at anyone from my Chinese language class. I am merely stating how some people's mind (MINE) can be so disturbed after being alone in classes for too long...
to ^eVi|rY^: you sure you wanna exchange places? I had nightmare cause I dreamt you couldn't find a job, and kept on bugging me, so yeah, I decided to call upon the deity to give you all the good fortune d: 03/09/2006 If And Only If...For the past three months, I've always thought that I've been having a self-fulfilling life. Many had deemed me fortunate for being able to accomplish many things that others can only dream of. I can't deny, I've obtained much, so much that the old me would be bewildered by my actions. It took me three months to came to this state, and three hours of thoughts, that's all it took me to feel the gravity pulling me face flat to the ground. WHAM!!!
I've never thought that this blog will be opened once again. I've always imagined that when the curtain falls, that's the end of the drama. Life, being the harbringer of bad news, had come knocking on my door once again. And when I thought there are solace outside, that was but a misinterpretation in life.
If there is something that I fear a lot, it would be the glimpses of the future. I've always felt a high degree of uncertainty, that my life has been predestined by the craetor above. Comically, I fear this unknown future that has been paved for me.
For the past three months, I've been admitted to the university, landed myself a job, and obtained my permanent residency. But most importantly, I thought that I had finally walked the right path. Yet again, I stand corrected.
School had finally started, and three weeks were over as calmly as an ocean breeze. And here I am, looking no better than a puzzled kid, surrounded by the more mature peers. Over and over again, I've been through this situation, where I have to learn how to swim in a stormy ocean; even if I managed to survive, I would barely be alive. Treading water is easy, but how long will it be before fatigue take over? Am I just not cut out to study?
Yes, I've been very burnt out for the past few weeks, more listless than those time I spent during my work period. No amount of logic can dechiper the reason behind it.
Nightmares, been having lots of 'em. While I can hear the sound of tree cutting nearby, I can spend many hours staring at my ceiling. My mind always wanders off, but with no final destination. A part of me can't sleep pondering over this issues, but each time I close my eyes, I would be overwhelmed by nightmares. It's thus a lose-lose situation, considering that "BEING DISTURBED IN SLEEP" is as bad as or not even worse than "UNABLE TO SLEEP"
To conclude: perhaps some may envy the good fortune that I am having, but when luck comes with such terms and conditions, would any of you still want to be in my shoe? 29/05/2006 To See My Life ClearlyAfter such a long and painful wait, I've finally gotten myself a job with meagre pay, although there are much benefits. With this company, I can finally see this world clearer without the aid of my pink specs. Watch this space for my updates.
P.S: No I won't update daily like I used to. Daily entries were essential last time as I needed to write up on my weekly e-log. Not anymore.
To alv_passion: in my opinion, there is a difference with being honest and being dumb. I too believe in karma. But I always believe in always being on the upperhand. Will you be honest to someone who backstabs you? Better still, would you even let others to utilize you? I have been a fool, not once, but many times. Point is, I won't want to repeat my same mistake again. I will not let anyone misuse me, EVER...
To J: Not singaporean, Malaysian perhaps? Not even sure if I'll have a reply at all, cause I am 4 weeks slow in replying to your comment...
To blur seafood: call it blessing in disguise. I am sure I won't be able to endure the misfits that is currently happening in your place. Maybe I'd go insane by this time if I were together with you all d: Well, I guess luck has cometh, I'm officially employed. Will even obtain my permanent residency soon. :D anyway, all the best in your work, and your studies in the future ;) 05/05/2006 Happy 1 Year AnniversaryI am sorry... My apology, but I guess it's better be late than never...
Happy 1 Year Anniversary
2006/04/08
To the one who always listens to me whenever I am in trouble.
To the one who stays by my side, when the sun blazes, or when the rain falls.
To the one who never fails to laugh together with me, and to cheer me up when I feel gloomy.
Thank You (= 30/04/2006 Frankly Speaking...Before I begin with my entry, I shall first reply to all the comments on my blog.
To star_on_mission: to make something like The Jungle Times (as explained by Alexa), just click "Add a category" when you're writing a new entry.
To Alexa: ya, think i may need to read my email soon. Hahaha, you'll understand why if you read my entry d:
To J: Well, I am glad that you still visit my site (I think) d: I can only assume that you're a lady in her 18s, local (Sinagporean), and yeah, the reason I know you're not a Malay is because the way you put the phrase is wrong. d: but please, hopefully you don't feel bad, and ended up not coming to read up on this li'l blog.
Now, let's head down to some serious business...
To add insult to injury, I believe that I've made a fool out of myself. 'For What I've Written, They Have Forsaken Me' I wouldn't mind taking some time off from thinking how it felt being in my shoe, but I guess, me, being the usual me, wouldn't understand the meaning of taking off a matter.
To the seafood that I've previously mentioned: by now, I am sure you've noticed that I've failed to turn up for work. This statement can only conclude that:
1). I have failed to get the job (Bad for me)
2). I wouldn't be able to treat you (Bad for you)
Whilst the latter outcome does not affect you (perhaps you're more than glad that I'm not working side-by-side with you), the fomer one have been running through my mind. To make things clearer, let me re-enact the interview that I had with the only company that I had gone for in search for a job.
(note that the language has been suited to the more singaporean way of speaking)
Int: So you plan to work how long?
Me: think about 1 to 2 years.
Int: Oh? We're looking for a permanent one (lab assistant), why you only want to work 1 to 2 years leh?
Me: cause I thinking of going to the uni.
Int: Wah, we need at least six months to train you. If after 6 month train, you work 6 month then got into uni, ew may as well give you 3-months contract job lo. You sure you work only these 2 years?
Me: Still unsure ya. I really wanna work, but if I get accepted, then I think I will leave lo.
Int: So this year you got apply or not?
Me: (a short silence) ... got la, but ah, think won't go in. Cause my frends are all starting to get their rejection letter. Think mine coming soon.
Int: Oh, then like that ah, we'll wait for your result lo. If you got rejected, then we bring you in work permanent, otherwise we give you 3-months contract job lo. (looking at the other interviewer) So, this guy, we put together with the blur seafood, then the other one will do other job lo.
Int2: Okay. Good idea. (to me) so yeah, please inform Int if you get accepted. We settle the stuffs later.
Me: Thanks ya.
Int2: So, wanna take a look at our lab?
(So the day ended with me blogging the previous entry about me being accepted and such...)
A few days later, I had decided to inform the interviewer that I got into the university. This is the phone conversation that we had.
Me: Hi, this is Albert.
Int: Hey, how are you?
Me: Good good. Oh ya, just want to tell you, i got accepted to the uni.
Int: Good leh, then you don't have to worry about working ya.
Me: (stunned) oh, I thought you still needed people?
Int: Don't worry about that.
Me: AH? Oh, okay. Thanks ya...
Int: (hangs up phone)
Well, that's the end of my chance of getting my permanent residency. Been searching for jobs, but they are all looking for SINGAPOREANS and PRs only.
You realize that there is this irony for foreigners when trying to work in Singapore? I do... And as much as I am reluctant to mention this, I shall... It's rather sinister that all the jobs state that 'only Singaporeans and PRs need to apply' And I have received from the government telling me that I can be a PR once I've landed myself a job. Now why would I be so amused by that fact? ROFL...
On a more serious note, I was rather perturbed by another point. Is a matter of integrity vs. being evil to get my goal. Or in a matter of frankness, is 'to be, or not to be'. To be frank, I'm somewhat frank to people, (other than those I hate). But I guess, people who are frank always lose. I could have lied to the interviewers without blinking my eyelid. Yet, at that point of time, I wondered, why couldn't I forsake my feelings?
An ex-friend of mine once mentioned me about her motto in life. To rephrase it, she lived in a world of 'selective disclosure of information'. That was supposed to apply for anything in her life, and I noted that she had actually avoided lots of bloodshed, thanks to her belief. After this interview, I realized that perhaps I should take up on this principal in my life. Maybe... but not exactly...
Perceive me as how you deem fit... For I shall be the lion I was known to be , living gloriously... 19/04/2006 Chemist... For A While?My apology (yet again) for a late reply. Been busy job scouting... Well, actually, I never looked for a single job. Yes, I know I'm lazy, BUT, I've to thank 'a super blur seafood' for she had actually introduced me to a job. I can't say that I am un-appreciative (is there such a word?) but take this point: I and my friend had decided to treat you a meal using our first month pay ;) Since this is broadcasted online, rest assured that I shall keep my promise (= (not sure about my friend though...)
Come to think of it, I am not sure if I do get the job. Errr.... yeah. They told us that I will be working with you, while my friend will be doing other job. But ya, since you were so nice to me, hahahha, I will try to pay you back ya.
Okay, that's all for today. Till the next update.
A Night of ApologyWorthless
such is the predicament
I have brought upon myself
a failure I have been
Grief
such is the divine will
a cross that I have to carry
a friend of tragedy
Fading
a dream I've awaken from
for I shall never be
the person you want me to be
Futile
the image of the perfect one
Try as I might
this is but my personality
Mom and Dad
the fault were never yours
it was my personality
for I will forever be...
The second fiddle,
the boy that would never be 16/04/2006 Ryuichi Sakamoto - Merry Christmas Mr. LawrenceBack to basics. I think the sentimental Indonesian music might have caused many of my viewers to run away. So now I'm turning back to classical. Some have heard of his music, very little would know of his existence.
Never mind, words can't express the feels of this music. I welcome one of the most soothing piano sonata that I've ever encountered. Here is Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence, by Ryuichi Sakamoto. A Dream I Shall Hold Dear...A brand new life I have inherit,
a succession with no demerit,
every end signifies a new beginning,
So much I would give as an offering.
So much have happened,
only so much I could take,
Mistakes after mistakes,
how much more could I endure?
All these while,
Enough, I thought...
Why do I always look back?
Why must I be trapped?
Finally,
The bond is no more,
Three years passed,
I'm now free as a bird can be.
Good riddance I should say,
for no longer I had to stay,
Now I can finally move on,
away from this forsaken ground.
Rejoice...
for I've finally overcome,
my fear of what is to come,
a life that I can finally welcome.
I can't imagine this,
this feeling of divine bliss,
I've finally fulfilled my wish,
Albeit it felt so dreamish.
Goodbye,
to the past,
for the present and future,
has embraced me fully.
I will stand,
through sun and rain,
overcoming all endeavour,
to see the light at the end.
A new path for me to take,
A new sun has risen,
my getaway,
the dream that I shall hold dear... 13/04/2006 6 Days & 7 Nights ~ PreviewAfter 6 days and 7 nights. I finally got what I deserve, a break... Or did I? Perhaps it's one of those deja-vus, but I have a bad premonition that bliss is shortlived, especially when it come crashing upon me.
Meanwhile, my most sincere apology for the lack of content. Why? It's all thanks one activities after another. My lifeforce is now dry, and so I shall be recharging it, through the breaks that I hopefully obtain.
Meanwhile, this is a preview of what is to come in my blog:
More to come....... I think.
To J: thanks for enjoying the song. You're not a Malay, are you? Definitely not an Indonesian. But thanks for coming anyway. :) |
Thanks for visiting!
Elisabeth Nataliawrote:
ko, uda gk tulis2 blog lagi yaa??
>.< tulis donk.. hahaha. lol
9 Aug.
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